Three Ways Successful Leaders Manage Their Emotions
We’ve all been there: fuming at the driver who cut us off, panic-stricken at the thought of making a presentation, anxious about starting a new business. The secret to living a happy and successful life is to manage our emotions before they control us, says Leonard Mlodinow in his new book, Emotional.
Mlodinow is a theoretical physicist who co-wrote books with Stephen Hawking. I talked to Mlodinow recently about how his research applies to business leaders.
Mlodinow says that emotions are just as critical as logic in our decision making. Emotions helped our species survive and thrive. Even ‘negative’ emotions like anxiety or anger are beneficial in moderation—after all, entrepreneurs look for better ways of doing something because they’re upset, angry, or frustrated at the status quo.
But, like everything, too much of a good thing can be damaging. Letting our emotions spin out of control often leads to poor decisions.
According to Mlodinow, neuroscientists have arrived at three approaches that are effective at “emotion regulation.” In other words, controlling our emotions before they get the best of us.
1. Acceptance
Science has shown that the ancient Greeks who studied Stoicism may have been right all along. Stoic philosophy is about working on those things you can control and not wasting mental energy on those things you can’t.
Take the example of the driver who cut you off on the road. Fuming for the rest of day does no good and will not change the event. Just as you wouldn’t get angry at the rain—an event you can’t control—you shouldn’t let the driver who cut you off ruin your day.
“We usually can’t control or change that person any more than we can banish the rain, so getting angry at either is equally silly,” says Mlodinow.
Acceptance reminds me of a conversation I had with a successful CEO during the peak of the pandemic.
“What keeps you so grounded?” I asked.
“Well, I can’t control the virus, but I can control how I respond and how my team handles the situation.
Be a Stoic. Don’t react emotionally to events and circumstances out of your control.
2. Reappraisal
Your brain goes through a complicated process to interpret everything that happens to you. Psychologists call it “appraisal.” It means that your brain makes sense of what just happened and, as a result, develops an emotion around it.
Many of the studies on the subject show that we have the ability to choose the meanings we assign to circumstances, events, and experiences. In fact, building the skill of “reappraising” events often leads to success in the workplace,” says Mlodinow.
When it comes to public speaking, reappraising the event can give you a boost of confidence. Many people are stricken with anxiety before giving a presentation because they’ve created an internal narrative about the event that often isn’t based on objective fact.
The “worst” that can happen almost never does. If you mess up a presentation, you won’t die. Your friends will not abandon you. Your reputation will not be tarnished for good.
A more empowering reappraisal of the presentation might go like this: I’m excited to share my idea. I’ll embrace any feedback I get to make my argument even more convincing.
Mldoinow says that even if your negative thoughts don’t go away completely, reappraising the situation will fill you with positive emotions that help you perform your best.
3). Expression
Expression means that the act of talking about or writing down your emotion about an event changes the way you feel about it.
Let’s say you’re angry over something that happened at work. Studies have shown that simply expressing your feelings in an email, saving it in ‘drafts,’ and never sending the email will often alleviate the debilitating feeling of anger. Once your feelings have subsided, you’ll be in a better position to handle the situation more appropriately.
Mlodinow says that many studies over the past decade have shown that “expressing unwanted negative emotion does help defuse it.”
Regulating your emotions isn’t easy. It takes practice. But if you take these three steps, you’ll be more likely to control your emotions before they get the best of you.