6 Magic Phrases to Inspire Respect, Grounded in Emotional Intelligence
What do people want most in life? Money? Love? Security? Purpose?
Well, yes. Yes to all of these. But people with high emotional intelligence recognize that there's something else almost everyone wants deeply: Respect.
Study after study has shown that respect ranks right at the top. Moreover, there are techniques rooted in emotional intelligence that you can use to train other people to treat you with respect.
They reflect three basic understandings:
People respect people who demonstrate self-respect.
People are less likely to disrespect people who respect them.
We communicate our respect for ourselves and others predominantly by the language we use.
I'm a big fan of making positive changes by doing simple things. So here are six magic phrases that people with high emotional intelligence learn to use to teach other people to treat them with respect and capture their attention.
1. "I can do what you ask, on condition that we X."
Almost every interaction in life includes at least the potential for negotiation. In many instances, one party in a conversation simply decides to go along with what the other person suggests.
However, emotionally intelligent people understand that there's rarely a downside to asking for something in return, even if you'd be willing to do what you've been asked anyway.
These can be small asks or big ones.
Yes, I can go with you; can we pick up my friend, too?
Sure, we can honor that coupon, but we'll need to schedule your service on one of these days.
I'm happy to help you with your chore this afternoon, but I'll need you to do the same for me tomorrow.
Why do they work? Why do they inspire respect? Because, emotionally intelligent people come to realize, they leverage the other person's magnanimity and impatience to reach an agreement. We simply respect people more if they're willing to ask.
2. "Thank you for X. I'd like to do Y, instead."
Obviously, X and Y are variables here; you're going to replace them with something the other person has said or suggested [X], and whatever you'd like to suggest [Y]. But let's break this phrase down. It has three parts:
Politeness. Subtle but important. The entire reason that polite phrases exist is to defuse tension and communicate respect.
Acknowledgment. People want to be heard; they want to believe that other people are at least trying to understand what they say or do. They want you to acknowledge what they've articulated.
Suggestion. This is the key part, when you indicate that you have respect for your own ideas, your contributions, and your ability to contribute to any conversation.
The topic could be anything from suggesting where to go to dinner to what color shoes you ought to buy, to negotiating the contours of an important deal. Emotionally intelligent people recognize that they're leveraging emotional needs, such as the need to be understood, along with the desire to be accommodating.
3. "I only have a minute, but ... "
Now it can be told: This one comes right out of the pickup guides that used to be all the rage 10 or 15 years ago, when it just so happens I was still single. But, we can find utility in a lot of places, and this phrase can be used in more platonic situations.
In short, by using this phrase you do two things:
Set the tone and structure of an interaction -- literally, putting a clock on the conversation.
Establish that you're a person who has other demands on your time, which indicates both that this conversation won't go on too long, and that it's important to you.
People with high emotional intelligence use this phrase to take control, leverage anxiety, and establish respect. Even if someone doesn't want to have the conversation for some reason, there's a natural inclination to feel grateful or elevated by the fact that the other person is spending their limited time with you.
4. "I disagree."
One of the biggest compliments we give in our society, even regarding people we don't particularly like, is along the lines of "They say what they mean and they mean what they say."
We value honesty. That's why emotionally intelligent people understand the importance of being upfront when they disagree. However, it's also important to disagree without being disagreeable (unless you intentionally want to be disagreeable for strategic reasons).
A note to add here: Disagreeing is sometimes about articulating and expending your opposition while recognizing that sometimes you want to go along with things you disagree with anyway.
Why would you do that? Well, maybe the decision isn't really your call. Maybe you simply accept that you might not be right. Maybe you've delegated the decision.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that disagreeing -- and possibly, as Jeff Bezos famously popularized, saying that you "disagree and commit" -- leverages apprehension and encourages respect.
5. "Here's the plan."
It's Aristotle who is usually credited with making the observation, more than 2,500 years ago, that nature abhors a vacuum. People with high emotional intelligence understand that the concept applies to human interactions as well.
Stating that you have a plan or an idea or a proposal is like having the opportunity to serve (rather than return) in tennis. At the very least, it gives you the chance to set the rules, inspire respect, and let the other person react to your overtures.
Related concepts: Emotionally intelligent people understand how advantageous it can be to come up with the first draft of an agreement or other document. You're leveraging the other person's emotional desire to have things settled and to be agreeable, and inspiring respect in the process.
6. "I'd like to ask ... "
No matter how you finish this phrase, chances are you're communicating to the other person that your respect something about them, and thus inspiring respect for you in return.
"Can I ask your opinion on ..." (Respect for their knowledge, tastes, etc.)
"I meant to ask you how your visit went." (Respect and affinity for their experiences and storytelling ability.)
"I'd like to ask for your forgiveness." (Respect for their feelings and their rights.)
At the masterclass level, people with high emotional intelligence recognize that even asking for big favors, with nothing in return (sort of doing the opposite end of number 1, above) suggests your respect for the other person's abilities. Think of it as respect via flattery.
Allow me to respect your time.
We could go on with more phrases. But, the major point to remember is that if you want to increase your emotional intelligence and inspire respect, the easiest way to go about it is to train yourself to use the right language.
As I write in my free e-book, 9 Smart Habits of People With Very High Emotional Intelligence, emotional intelligence isn't about just being nice to people or showing empathy. Instead, it's about leveraging emotions to make it more likely you'll achieve your goals.
If you can inspire respect and command attention along the way, all the better.